Fears and Loving in Wyoming

I love summer.

I’m afraid I’m not going to get the kind of job I’m looking for, in a reasonably short amount of time.

I love Cody.

I fear I won’t make any friends here, in a town the size of my hometown but without the convenience of growing up together or a nearby city.

I love gardening. Even though I’m not convinced how it will turn out, I love having the space to finally try it.

I love living with my boyfriend.

I fear my lack of employment will eventually put a strain on our relationship. I fear I’ll be resented for not financially contributing (though obviously that would change once I have a job, and, for the record, he’s been the most supportive and reassuring).

I fear breaking up a little bit more now, because our relationship keeps meaning more and more to me.

I love not having to think about credits and other mundane things that my old job required.

I love the possibility that lies ahead.

I also fear it.

I love living walking distance to the grocery store, hardware store, library, lake, and park.

I love my adventurous spirit.

Sometimes I curse it.

Life would be simpler if I could view a job as a means to an end.

But I’m still glad I don’t.

I love my cactus plant. That’s a random one, but it’s true.

I love looking through old journal entries and seeing how my hopes became realities and my worries went away.

I love being reminded that better things have always been on the horizon after the storms of months and years.

I am terrified of more storms, even though I know the above to be true.

I love my family and friends and staying close to them through talking on the phone and facetiming.

I worry that all this distance could result in having no one left if shit were to ever really hit the fan.

I love that I’m feeling healthier and gaining weight back.

I fear getting into a job situation that changes my immediate wellness. I fear not being able to set the emotional and physical boundaries to sustain myself over time, regardless of the work environment.

I love that we have a backyard.

I love these blue skies.

I love Barbara Kingsolver.

I love that, at any point, I can write my next chapter.

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